The Bestest MattGuy Story EVAR
by metal goat
Summary: When Guy is training one day, Karel comes and attacks him! Oh no! What will he do now? Will Matthew come and save him? R&R PLZ! [parody]


Disclaimer: Any resemblence to actual fanfics, deleted or otherwise, is purely coincidental. Really. A large portion of this fic is based off general badfic and does not target any specific fanfic. If there is any resemblence to a fic you are writing or have written, it is not purposeful, so don't flame about how I'm "singling you out" or whatever.  
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One fine and lovely day, Guy was practicing his amazing-but-not-as-amazing-as-Matthew's sword skills all by himself because he wanted to be the bestest swordfighter dude EVAR.

So, while he was practicing his sword skillz by hitting a nearby tree—smacking trees with swords is how all the cool myrmidons train. Matthew told him so—he suddenly felt very, very hot, what with the burning midday sun beating down on his back, because trees don't actually give off shade, not really. So, the only logical thing was to take his shirt off, of course.

"Oh dear," said Guy after having removed his shirt, now showing off his upper torso that would have somehow merited a paragraph's worth of description, "I suddenly feel very exposed and vulnerable without my shirt on. Oh, whatever shall I do? Now my nubile young flesh is open for all the world to see! I fear some big, strong, bloodthirsty psycho might try to come and rape me because I'm just so very defenseless!"

Hearing the words "nubile young flesh" and "defenseless" in the same two sentences, Karel appeared.

"I rape you through the eye sockets!" Karel screamed, coming up behind Guy and waving his arms around in a very stupid—I mean, scary like manner.

"Eep!" Guy… eeped, nearly fainting from shock.

While Guy was busy nearly fainting from shock and generally fretting over the fact that the largely asexual Karel was about to rape him, Karel slowly made his way towards Guy, nearly foaming at the mouth with excitement at the thought of completely and nonconsensually violating Guy. Because rape is all about sex and lust, actually. Of course it's not about dominating and humiliating the other person. Whatever gave you that idea?

"Ha ha, now I have you! There's no way you can escape!" Karel said, laughing evilly and sounding like a villain from a B grade horror film.

"Oh noes!" Guy cried, cowering and trembling in fear.

Karel then laughed evilly again, pouncing on Guy and preceding to molest the hell out of him, which would either get glossed over with by one line before moving onto the next scene, or lengthily and graphically described in some horribly done lemon, depending on the writer.

'_Oh, I hope some strong, charming, sneaky thief will come and save poor, defenseless, ball-less me!'_ Guy mentally wailed as Karel raped him in the gentlest manner possible, because real, violent rape is icky and gross and not hot, but nice rape is okay.

"Unhand the decidedly molestable Guy, you fiend!" called a voice from behind the bushes in a convenient and obvious plot device, sounding like a B grade horror movie hero and suspiciously like Matthew.

Matthew jumped out of the bushes, brandishing his rusty little iron sword. Karel, though he could slice Matthew to ribbons in seconds because Matthew had bad strength and couldn't dodge for shit, suddenly was very, very scared and leapt off Guy, thus ending the molestation.

"Grr, I'll get you next time, Captain Planet--er, Matthew!" Karel yelled, disappearing in a puff of smoke, because he's secretly a ninja.

"Oh, Matthew, thank you! You defeated him with the power of heart and saved me!" Guy said, eyes shining, squealing in a fangirl-ish manner. "Oh, but only you were here that time Karel gave me date rape drugs--er, I mean,now that you've saved me, however can I repay you?"

Matthew thought about it for a moment, noticed Guy's convenient nakedness and overly uke-fied features, then answered.

"Uh… we could have sex?"

Guy squealed fangirlishly again, seeming to completely forget about the trauma of being raped (because it's not like being forced to have sex against your will is traumatic or anything…). "Okay!"

Guy then pounced on Matthew, and they proceeded to have very, very loud, bad-porn-quality sex, and it was so loud that over half the camp had the misfortune of hearing Guy scream like a five dollar hooker.

Then Guy and Matthew had 500 jillion babies, all master swordfighters like their fathers, and Karel went on to rape Lucius instead, because he was completely defenseless and Raven was too busy angsting over Ostia to notice.

THE END  
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Captain Planet references for the win, yo. Any show that tries to pass 'heart' off as an element needs to be mocked whenever possible.

Rapist!Karel makes me sad. And now I'm gonna wait in the corner and twiddle my thumbs and wait for the flames to roll in...


End file.
